Saturday, September 26, 2009

Learning the Hard Way...

You set foot in a new world. That foot touches your new life before your head does. You are constantly catching up, constantly learning, constantly adjusting, constantly evaluating… Each new day greets you with a challenge and a blessing and if you figure out how to handle either one, then you’ve had a successful day. Tell me, then, how do you figure out your heart in a new world?

When I first came here, I was scared, overwhelmed and excited. There was so much to take in and so much to learn about. Slowly, it started to sink in that I was here to stay for however long. However, the more I experienced, the more comfortable I felt. Likewise, the more people I met, the more I fell in love with Guyana. The more I fall in love with Guyana, the more I want to do whatever it takes to stay here. I won’t lie, I miss home and my friends and family so much it hurts sometimes. But there is a very large part of me that fits here.

Despite these things, what your heart desires and what you actually get in life are sometimes different things. Most times, these are for reasons unknown to you until later in life unless you knew all along that what you wanted wasn’t good for you. It has happened that my heart desires something that life, for reasons unknown to me right now, is denying me. The Hindi saying for this is “Kutcha Kutcha Hota Hai”…in other words, sometimes things happen. Ben Harper puts it more simply: “Yes indeed I’m alone again, and here comes emptiness crashin’ in…it’s either love or hate I can’t find in between, ‘cause I’ve been with witches and I have been with the queen. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway, so now it’s just another lonely day, yeahhh… further along we just may, but for now it’s just another lonely day. Wish there was somethin’ I could say or do. I can resist anything but the temptation from you. But I’d rather walk alone than chase you around, I’d rather fall myself than let you drag me on down. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway, and now it’s just another lonely day, heeey…. Further along we just may…but for now it’s just another lonely day. Yesterday seems like a life ago. Because the one I love, today I hardly know. You I held so close in my heart, oh dear, grow further from me with every falling tear. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway, so now it’s just another lonely day, heey… further along we just may…but for now it’s just another lonely day. But now it’s just another lonely day… and now it’s just another lonely daaaaaaay….

Yes my friends.. Mr. Harper put it so eloquently-so direct... and while this experience is so much harder than I thought it would be, I know I’ll be stronger in the long run. Was there any drama that ended this relationship? Nope… just as Ben put it “it wouldn’t have worked out anyway”. I think what hurts the most was the expectation that a future was ahead…and how quickly that future was erased! Any messages of “time will heal all wounds” or “a closed door opens another” or any cliché things like that just don’t help…in my own words-this sucks. “Oh I could sparkle like a diamond, have silver line my soul, but no matter how bright I glitter baby, I could never be gold…”

Here’s to more experiences…hopefully my heart will be up to the possibilities.

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