I’m sitting It’s almost 1 in the afternoon. I’m lazy today. I can’t seem to get going at all. What have I done? Watched Om Shanti Om and Wedding Crashers, made some breakfast, painted my nails, and washed some dishes. Now I’m listening to Imogen Heap’s Hide and Seek and sitting in front of the fan. There are just days when I’m not inclined to do anything, despite what piles up in front of me.
I feel out of touch with the world; like I’ve lost contact with who I am or used to be. I feel like a different person, “sinking, feeling…spin me around again and rub my eyes” and wake me up. The things I want and experience and do are all so strange from what I was and what I used to be. Now my strongest desires and my hearts pull are here, in the music, in the people, in the sunshine that comes up at the same time and goes down at the same time everyday…”where are we, what the hell is going on? The dust has only just began to form crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling…”
This summer has held many transformations for me, not to mention while not a lot has been going on with my job and my site, I have had a lot of time to travel and meet with new people. I know there are many more things and experiences to come for me, and as my mom so eloquently put it, if I gain nothing from this experience but patience and flexibility than I will be a better person for it. Since the beginning of June, 3 people have left, and now with one week left, actually the first week of school here, one more departs. Each has a different reason and each meant something unique to our GUY 21 group and likewise no one will ever replace them. At this juncture in my time here (now 6 months!), I no longer feel like an outsider, but a person indeed a “white coolie gyal”…the problem is that I don’t know how long this feeling will last and I don’t want it to go away. I wonder if this is how some of the older volunteers felt while others were leaving around them. Like being in a tornado and standing still while the world around you flies like mad. I feel like Imogean puts it in perfect terms… “mmm…what ya say? mmm…that you only meant well, well of course you did, mmm…what ya say, mmm..that it’s all for the best, of course it is mmm…what ya say, mmm…that its just what we need when you decided this mmm… what ya say, mmm…what did ya say?”
I apologize here for not keeping in better touch with several people. Trust me that I have not forgotten you nor have I put our friendships or our memories aside, but have been consumed and swept up in this country in all aspects. For instance, a month ago I wrote an insanely long letter to one particular friend and it’s still sitting waiting to be mailed out. Don’t ask me why I haven’t mailed it, I guess the “just now” attitude has taken over. Well with everything except what how I feel with my site. I’m a little impatient with progress and with seeing results or feeling like I’m actually doing anything. And I’ll most likely eat my words later on about me not doing anything. If anything, I can say I’ve successfully made some of the most wonderful relationships here with people from all walks of life and from all different backgrounds. And the thing is that I really love each and everyone of them.
My Creolese is getting better everyday. My Hindi has slacked a little from lack of constant lessons, but those will resume sooner rather than later. Would you like a taste? When you see someone next, put your hands together in front of your chest like you’re going to pray, slightly bow to them and say Namaste. Namaste in Hindi means “I bow to the divinity within you”. In Hindu culture, it is believed that everyone possesses a divinity within themselves. That’s not to say that each of us is divine like God, but rather that our souls possess this quality in which we are a part of God. It is a greeting that expresses respect and honor. Then when you’re done, you can say, “ai, bai (or gyal), meh like yah style bad, bai.” This is Creolese for I’m really digging the way you do things, or I like your choices/I respect your lifestyle. Now you have a little taste of what my daily life is like. Of course I don’t say these things to everyone nor do I encounter people who accept me right off the bat, but I try. Everyday I try. My mom laughed on the phone with me the other night saying, “Lindsay, I’m so proud of you. You have been eating things you wouldn’t normally eat here and you’ve been doing things you wouldn’t normally do here. You’ve really changed a lot since you’ve been gone.” I didn’t realize she was right until that moment. Not that changing is all that conscious until after you realize you’ve changed, but still. I guess my only wish is that I don’t change so much that I lose myself completely…meh nah know no mo’ bai.