It's been snowing on and off today. Not even snowing...I'd call it flurrying. It'll snow for a small amount of time, and then it'll stop. And start up again. It's like my emotions about this trip. Last night, over plates of Chinese food, my mom started tearing up (when does she not?) and said, "Lu, You only have one more month here". For some reason I rolled my eyes, but then when I woke up this morning, tears poured out. It wasn't from the workout I did at 5:30am, and it wasn't from my fingers touching the hot straigtening iron...I'm just getting nervous. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but there's a part of me who's equally nervous, and sad to boot.
I wonder what getting on that plane will feel like; what saying goodbye to the ones I really care about will take; if I'll wake up in Guyana and wish that I were just waking up to go to work at home instead. Nightmares? Sure I've got them... but they're not about the things I think about when I'm awake.
Now the snow's coming down hard and you can't see the mountains anymore. The sky's a permanent gray-ish white and you can barely see the trees in the distance. Days like these come and go, I know. I just wonder if my fear and worrying will too. Or if it'll just increase closer to my departure date. On off, on off.... This emotional rollercoaster I've decided to ride is going through loops faster than I can throw up my hands and squeal, but as soon as I recover, another loop-de-loop comes right around the bend.
I know the butterflies in my stomach will come and go. I know it'll be different in a couple days. I know when it's all said and done, it'll be one of the best experiences of my life. These are all things I know. What I don't know is how to handle leaving...